Friday, July 15, 2011

Shunscreen to avoid Shunburn

I've long mocked my friends for their obsession with social networks. Now, I'm sure everyone is going to be quick to point out all of their positive attributes. I will concede that the thought of catching up with my best friend from 6th grade, who I have not seen or spoken to in 30yrs, sounds quite appealing. Stalking an ex-girlfriend, in hopes that she got fat and lives in a trailer park could be good fun, until I find out she's hotter than ever, married a professional athlete who doubles as a movie star and underwear model, and she owns a chain of successful fitness centers nationwide. Dohhh!!!!

Yesterday, Big Jim Slade sends me an email to check out a new ride route he drew on I've never used mapmyride, having for whatever reason, only used I had no ill will towards mapmyride, I just stumbled into the other first. So when I click the link, I'm quite surprised to find out that Big Jim Slade has allowed his "friends" to view the map, and apparently, I'm not among the chosen. Feeling shunned, I begin to jump through the hoops to become a registered member of, and view BJS's map. Nope, not that easy. first I have to "find" BJS, and when I finally do, I am then prompted to request BJS's friendship. Wiseass website, you don't know me! You don't know my transmission! How dare this damn website have the audacity to challenge the relationship of Gemini?! 

But I want to see the map. 

I concede to this arrogant web domain's demands, and click the request friendship button. It opens a small window, with an area for a small message to the requestee. There's a suggested phrase already entered. "Hi, Big Jim Slade. I'd like to be your friend." Fard that! I typed my own quaint message to BJS, telling him exactly how much I loved him for wasting 20 minutes of time, just to qualify our love, so I could see a damn map, of a ride I damn sure won't do now, just on sheer principle!

"Your request has been submitted, and you're now awaiting Big Jim Slade's approval"

Big Jim Slade almost had a visitor in his office, demanding approval or else he was gonna get his windows tinted!

A couple of hours later, I get a cheerful email to let me know that Big Jim Slade has accepted my advances, and we have a date. I check out the route, and does look kind of fun. Maybe I will ride it, but I'm not going to tell mapmyrides. 

All's well and done, until this morning. I open my email to find another cheerful header from mapmyrides. This was inside.

Hey Bigworm,

Here is a recap of your recent workouts between:  2011-07-09 to 2011-07-15

0 workouts
0 calories burned
0 routes created
1 new friends

Are you kidding me?! Not only does this damn site have me jumping through hoops like a circus chimp, begging for validation of my longstanding friendships, but now it has the gall to JUDGE me! As if I needed another blow to moral. 

"Thanks for joining our wondrous network of amazingness! We're glad to have you! By the way, looking at your stats, you REALLY suck!" 

If I can figure out how to email a molotov cocktail, it's on! Lil Ronnie once tried to text me bullets, so when I opened the text, I'd get shot. I wonder if he ever got any further along on that technology. I guess not, since I'm still sitting here telling this infuriating story. I now know why we have evil computer geniuses devising viruses and worms, and myriad other devious internet hate methods. It's because their nerdy selves even get shunned on the interwebs! If I could write a proper flamethrower in geek code, the folks at mapmyride would be in for a hot lunch!

My aggravation for social networks has been restored, and it should be at least another week before I join anything else that requires me to request friends. 


BIG JIM said...

This is awesome, but there must be some type of mistake. I would never have accepted a friend request from you. For one reason I would have believed it to be an imposter "Big networking....never!!!"

Human Wrecking Ball said...


The Old Bag said...

Love the post. I got onto facebook a couple years ago as a majority of my classmates were there, reconnecting before a big class reunion. A couple of months later I realized there are reasons I haven't been in contact with certain classmates for the past 30 years. Hadn't we unfriended years ago?

Jeff said...

I will assume that my google+ invitation was quickly deleted from your inbox.

BIGWORM said...

TOB, thanks for the visist.

Funny, Jeff! Actually, I have not had the time to see what a Google+ means. I still have the email, though.

BIGWORM said...

Aahhhh, now I get it!